Ask Azula: The Mental Hospital Edition
by The Real Ty-Lee
Summary: She's back, and now she's got her own special white room! Azula is slipping in and out of a drugged, delusional state, waiting for your letters and gifts!
1. Chapter 1

Ask Azula: The Mental Hospital Edition

Ask Azula: The Mental Hospital Edition

**(It's a plain, but decently furnished white room. There's a bed in the corner, a little desk covered in mailbags, and ample padding everywhere. On the wall is a small framed picture of Agni and there's also a dartboard. Azula sits at her desk, wearing her white hospital dress, her arms and legs chained up.). **

AZULA: Ah! Inferiors—er, I'm not in a position to call you inferiors, am I? Um, greetings! Well, as any red-blooded citizen of the world would know by now, I fought the forces of goodness and had my ass handed to me, as well as a first-class ticket to this mental institution. Damn!

**(She pats the large pile of letters.)**

Um, however, my therapists have suggested that I do some good by starting up my old discontinued Q+A show. It's probably all just a plot to weaken and ultimately kill me, but I'll just proceed with caution. It's like my father always said, "Nothing ventured, nothing gained!" But then again, this is the same guy who tried to dominate the earth dressed like a chicken… and CRUELLY LEFT ME BEHIND TO SINK INTO THE DEPTHS OF INSANITY!!

**(She rises, angrily shaking her chained fists. She eyes her box of darts, but seems to think better of it and instead beats the mailbags, sending mail everywhere.)**

WHY? WHY? WHAT DID I EVER DO? WHAT? WHAT…?? I HOPE YOU DIE IN A DITCH CHOKING ON A HAM SANDWICH!

**(Lin, a lady in a nurse's uniform, enters with an injection needle.)**

LIN: Uh-oh! Medicine time, dear!

**(Gives Azula an injection, which immediately stops her tantrum.)**

AZULA: I NEVER DESERVED…I never…oh. Oh, I feel so much better now. Mmm, I feel a little fuzzy. Oh, thank you, Mama Lin.

LIN: Why don't we tell everyone the guidelines now, dear?

AZULA: Mmm…yes, let's do that. Okay, infer—er, friends! Here are the guidelines!

**You can send me two things: a letter with a question, or a gift! It can be one or the other, or both. **

**If you send me a letter, please don't ask me more than two questions. My drug-wracked, fragile mind can't handle too much complex thinking. **

**If you send me a gift, keep in mind that my nurses check them first, and if they deem it inappropriate (pictures of you in your underpants) or something that I shouldn't have in my unstable frame of mind (a weapon that can shred the fabric of the universe and destroy all existence), they'll donate it to charity and use the proceeds to buy themselves a frappaccino. **

**If you send me a gift, you don't have to send a message along with it, but a card would with well-wishing would be a nice decoration for my little room. **

**Thank you in advance! I'm looking as forward to your letters as much as I once looked forward to dominating the earth. **


	2. Chapter 2

Session Two

Session Two

(We're in the hospital's lunchroom. Both Azula and Miss Lin are eating noodles. To their right are two other patients, giggling and poking the mailbag. Azula turns and growls at them.)

AZULA: Hey! Those are MINE! Get your own.

LIN: Azula…

AZULA: Er, what I meant to say is…um, please stop doing that. Please.

LIN: What a nice girl! I think this therapy is starting to help.

(Lin reaches into the mailbag and smiles.)

LIN: Wow, you sure do have a lot of presents, Azula. See? People care; they're not ALL out to get you.

AZULA: All the same, I want those gifts tested by the bomb squad.

LIN: (sigh) Yes, dear, of course.

(Azula cautiously pulls out a package.)

AZULA: Let's have a look here!

**(It's a box wrapped in red wrapping paper with the insignia of the fire nation patterned on it. On top of the box lays an enveloped card. The envelope reads "Azula".)**

LIN: Read the card, dear, and describe the picture to us.

AZULA: Turtleducks! It's a pond with turtleducks! And above them, in blue letters, is a caption reading: "Want some Quackers?" Well, Mama Lin, I've come full circle. Now I look so pathetic that the turtleducks are asking ME if I'd like to be fed. As for the inside…

** "Dear Azula, I hope you're doing well on your quest to a better life. Keep it up. -Arysd.**

**Ps. I would leave my real name, but I'll wait until you've been deemed child friendly."**

AZULA: The inside of the card certainly made up for the outside, didn't it? Thank you, Miss Arsyd, and I hope that you…um…I don't know, win the lottery?

LIN: Or have a nice day.

AZULA: Yes! Have a…nice day!

LIN: Oh, look! She included a gift! Open it!

**(It's a clay figurine of Azula and Zuko as children fighting over a turtleduck plushie.)**

AZULA: Oh! A clay figurine that isn't completely tacky! And what's more, it's not just a figurine, it's a metaphor, portraying my endless struggle for love, represented by a turtleduck. And it looks like I'm winning.

LIN: But the duck is perfectly center. Nobody's actually winning…

AZULA: No. I'm seriously winning. I can tell. Thank you! This gives me hope.

LIN: How about another gift?

AZULA: Yes! This is fun.

LIN: This one is all paper. Must be a letter.

**Dear Azula  
**

**...wait a minute...**

If they'll donate improper items to charity (i.e. give them away for free), how will they end up with any proceeds to buy an ordinary coffee, let alone some fancy shmancy frou-frou frappuchino?

With that in mind, please find enclosed several Cometbucks gift certificates to get half off of your or your nurses' next Cometbucks coffee orders.

Yours truly,

Eida

LIN: Azula seems to think that we somehow get money for giving away the stuff. We really don't get any money. You're very right.

AZULA: You're a lair. You gave away my blowtorch, and then went straight to Comet Bucks. With the money you earned from selling my torch.

LIN: (Sigh) Thank you very much, Eida, these certificates will be very useful to me indeed.

AZULA: Now you don't have to sell my stuff.

LIN: Azula…

AZULA: Just saying.

LIN: Oh, look, a letter AND a gift!

**To HRH Princess Azula of the Fire Nation, from the Big Rocky Eye of Sol Sanctum.**

I have here two questions I wish to ask of you. Here they are:  
1. Keeping in mind the fact that I am a huge, approximately spherical rock with a huge embedded eye...which do you think would look better on me, a toga or a cocktail dress?  
2. How old do you weigh?

Please find accompanying this message an Acme Klein bottle. It is one-sided, non-orientable, and has zero volume...or an approximation thereof, since the present Klein bottle is merely an immersion of a true four-dimensional Klein bottle in three dimensions. I invite you to try and distinguish between the inside and the outside of the bottle. That should pass the time!

AZULA: Um…first of all, I think you should wear a toga. If you're a giant rock, a toga would make you look ancient and timeless…dresses are yucky. Yuck. As for…how old I weigh? I'm almost 15 and I'm 120 pounds…um, is that right?

LIN: That's a good answer, dear.

AZULA: As for this gift…

**(She looks at it, terribly confused.)**

AZULA: I…uh…

LIN: We'll look at it later, dear.

AZULA: Okay. Uh, thank you, Big Rocky Thing.

LIN: Next gift!

**Dear Azula,  
This is what happens when you go mad with power. I hope this gift calms you down, because in this package contains, an iPod touch filled with music to pass the time, Boost energy drinks of every flavor, and my famous triple stacker, fudge filled, homemade icing covered, strawberry cake with cherries and a frosting image of the fire nation symbol. From Ignkiakanak. **

AZULA: Oh! OH! Oh, look at it all! Oooh, look at my drinks, and…and…look at that cake! Wow!

LIN: Beautiful! And I see you have an iPod!

AZULA: She says that there's music on it…let me see…OH NO! NOT THAT STUPID SONG BY COLBIE CAILLAT! NYYYAAAH!

LIN: Calm down, dear. We'll just go to the iTunes store and buy you music you like.

AZULA: Although she did include the soundtrack from Edward Scissorhands…sniffle… I love that movie. Thank you, Ignkiakanak. It's wonderful!

LIN: Let's see…this one's a letter.

**Dear Azula,  
HOW IN THE WORLD DID YOU LOSE WITH A COMET BEHIND YOU TO BOOST UP YOUR POWER?! Not only that, but, you lost to Katara who just happen to conveniently find a drainage ditch beneath the ground...**

P.S. Here's the "GAang's" poster so you can have something to throw darts at...

**Ashley G. **

AZULA: I've been asking myself this question for a long time. And the best answer I can come up with is that MY FATHER IS A USELESS HEEL WHO DROVE ME INSANE THUS RENDERING ME UNABLE TO THINK CLEARLY AND FIGHT PROPERLY!! FYI NOT MY FAULT!!

LIN: (gives her medicine.) Azula, dear…let's not overdramatize.

AZULA: BUT I…I…well, okay.

LIN: Sorry, Miss Ashley, but I think this poster will only serve as a reminder. I'll give it to my niece.

**Hey Azu! Why do you hate Zuko so much?! I mean he's your brother! That cannot be healt- nevermind.**

**--Tokka Fun**

AZULA: Why do I hate Zuko? Hate him? I've come to wonder if I ever hated him, really.Did I hate him, or the fact that he had something I didn't have, and couldn't manage to get…love from Mama.

LIN: Now we're thinking. See? All this hatred is just an illusion.

AZULA: Mmmm. Maybe. But maybe YOU'RE JUST AN ILLUSION TOO.

**Hello Azula.**

Encased in this package is an assortment of fruits (including cherries, pomegranites, peaches, grapefruits, apples, and raspberries) and chocolates (white, dark, milk, mint, almond).

I'm sorry for your defeat, it must have been an unbearably humbling step downward. I hope you feel better and are able to leave the Mental Institution as soon as possible. Best reguards.

OKAY SO... I actually have a question. XD  
Mai and Ty Lee are both so different from you. And although I know that you'd rather forget about them now, I'd like to know how you all managed to meet and stay so close throughout all those years.

Thanks!

Nao (sera)

AZULA:Fruits and chocolate…divine. Thank you, that's splendid. Thanks for the well-wishing, too, that's very kind. Y'know, if my family was this nice, I wouldn't be answering letters coming from an alternate universe.

As for the Ty Lee/Mai question…

You know we went to the same fancy schmancy boarding school, right? Well, that's where I met the two of them. Both Ty Lee and Mai had made names for themselves in their favorite extracurricular activites. Ty Lee was basically the patron saint of the Acrobatics Club, and Mai was the unpopular, plain, yet talented member of the Archery Club. Me? I was student body president and coordinated all of the school's fundraising events. My all-time favorite was the "You Kill 'Em, We Roll 'Em Into Sushi" Event. We raised over 2,500 Gold and earned ourselves a field trip to Phoenix Island (located near Ember Island). But enough about that.

I always had a grudging admiration for Ty Lee. After dinner was free time, and Ty Lee would sometimes be persuaded into doing tricks in the courtyard. She'd slip on a pair of shorts under her skirt, and dazzle everyone with her…her whatever she had that was so impressive. Well, one day I decided to try one of her flips. I hit the ground so fast and so hard that I actually surprised myself. And I completely twisted my leg and ankle. Ty Lee ran over, crouched down, and asked nicely, "Is everything 'kay?"

I screamed no. I sure was ashamed of myself. She helped me up and took me to the nurses' station. Mai was actually there as well, nursing a sprained shoulder, and, well… we got to talking. And Ty Lee randomly read our auras, which was neat. And then we were friends. Nothing incredibly amazing. People seem to think that I went out of my way to become their friend because I wanted powerful allies, when that's not really true. Maybe I did subconsciously. I just happened to admire the two of them for their drive in subjects I didn't really care about. People with determination strike me as good people to be friends with. We remained friends for as long as we did mainly because of school; we basically lived there 8 months out of the year.

Now? I really don't know what to feel about them anymore.

How 'bout another letter, Mama Lin?

**Dear Azula**

**Hands a lockpick set  
I'm certain you'll do something useful with this.**

**--Nikkel**

AZULA: Hey, is that a…

**(Lin grabs it away and tosses it into the trash.)**

LIN: It was nothing, dear, absolutely nothing important.

AZULA: Uh…okay.

**Dear Azula**

**Here, included within the letter is a small dagger, you may do with it what you see fit.  
Hopefully not slash your wrists  
(Azula owns)  
Keep it up!**

**--Randomicity**

LIN: Egad! What did we say about dangerous gifts?

AZULA: Hey, a dagger! Neat!

LIN: I'll be taking that. Next letter!

**hi azula,  
hows the hospital?  
what happened in the finale? i mean,you went sorta cuckoo banishing your butt kissers, throwing crap at mirrors, and cutting your hair.  
my friends and i all agree, we like pre-breakdown azula better.  
oh well, you can never lose what you never had!  
gives big box  
i hope you like the puppy.  
love,  
jade**

AZULA: A puppy?! Oh, isn't she nice. I'll name her…Mai. It's so appropriate. This puppy is a bitch (because she's a girl dog) and so is Mai.

As for the finale…would it make me insane to say that I don't remember much of what happened? It was as though I was standing outside myself, watching my body go insane. I certainly wasn't together. Not at all. Father basically abandoned me at home and said, "I'm off to be the Chicken Lord. Make sure nobody stages an uprising, and if they do, I'm sure you'll be able to stop it. Yeah, bye."

That hurt my feelings. No, wait, that PULVERIZED my feelings. I suddenly got the notion that nobody really cared about me. I was there, the prodigy, to make other people's lives easier. Be my friend, you get into this and that social circle. Be my brother, people automatically assume that you've GOT to have a brain because, hey, we're related. Be my father, you've got an intelligent daughter to deal with the crap you don't have time to deal with.

And if nobody cared, what would prevent them from hurting me? And I did what I did. Didn't make too much sense, but neither does anything in my God-forsaken family.

My hair…I still can't believe I butchered it. But Mama Lin pins the wrecked bangs back, so it looks pretty good.

LIN: You really do have lovely hair. So soft.

**Dear Azula**

**what are you going to do now that your big brother has now ruled the Fire Nation?**

**--Eternal Freedom **

AZULA: What can I do? From what I'm hearing, he's an extremely popular Firelord, and Mai has become very beautiful. Popular and beautiful. I really don't have either anymore. If I were to do anything to them, I'd be assassinated. They're too well-loved.

Mai, I hear, is quite beautiful now. In fact, she's even influencing Fire Nation fashion! Every woman wants to imitate Firelady Mai's black hair, white face, and small rosy lips. Whatever. She'll always be that ugly girl from archery class to me.

**Dear Azula,**

I send my deepest sympathies to you. Honestly, I could barely stand to watch Katara chain you to the grate (that didn't jog any unpleasent flashbacks, I hope) Anyways, what do you plan to do know that Zuko is Firelord? Are you secretly organizing a coup or you know, some badass plan to bounce back? Anyways, the best of luck to you!

-elude

AZULA: You think WATCHING was bad? Getting tied up and bursting into tears in front of others is embarrassing, but just imagine 5 million people watching, taking pictures, and having a grand old time at your expense. That's…not even fair. As for my future plans…see previous letter. Attacking Popular Firelord Zuko is just not in the cards.

**Dear Azula,**

I'm sorry about your defeat. That Water Tribe peasant had no right to interfere; you challenged ZUKO to an Agni Kai, no outsiders allowed, right? Had the Water Tribe peasant backed off like she should have, you surely would have won. I'm also sorry about your growing insanity; however, as with anything you do, you went crazy with class, if it's any condolence. I wish you well on your rode to recovery.

I have some questions for you: It has obviously been revealed that you care what your mother thinks of you. Do you love her, somewhere, deep down? Do you care about your brother at all?

Oh, and here is one of those stress relieving type things. (You know, it has eyes and ears, and when you squeeze it they pop out.) Stress causes zits, you know!

TrueThinker

AZULA: I would've won…makes sense that I would. But what if I did? Now that I'm thinking somewhat clearly, I'm thinking that if I really did kill Zuko…well, the enemy would be pretty upset, and Sozin's Comet would only hang around for a while. The moment I'd lose my amazing abilities, boom. I'd be surrounded and taken down. And then I wouldn't be in a mental hospital. Zuko wouldn't be around to preach tolerance and sense, so I'd be dragged outside, shot, and buried in an unmarked place in a field.

Mama. I don't know what to feel about her anymore. I long for her to come and hold me, but if she did I'd grab her throat and scream at her…what would I say? Maybe I'd just grab her and scream until I felt better. Just scream and cry, no words. Sorry, I can't really give a concrete answer. I myself am not even sure. And Zuko…I suppose he's an alright person.

LIN: Oh, look! A stress-thing! I'll put this in your desk.

**Dear 'Zula,**

I feel SO bad that you got defeated, by your brother and that waterbender. I hope you don't go even more insane than you already are. Along with this letter... note... whatever you wanna call it is a gift.

The gift is a fluffy red pillow with a black Fire Nation insignia.

**--FireNut**

AZULA: It's…fluffy. Ooh! I love it, it's so comfy. Mmmm!! Thank you.

**Azula, I just wanted to say that your a beautiful girl that needs to see the girl.**

I have basket here with chocolates of all sorts and sizes.

**--ShortChannel4**

AZULA: Oh, that's so kind. Now I just need to be popular and everything will be…oh! Chocolate! MINE! YUM!

LIN: Another?

AZULA: Yes, please!

**Dear Azula,**

I find your current situation quite heart-wrenching. You have my sympathy, and an inclosed Momo-plushie.

Now, my question, dear child, is this, do you want to see your mother again?

Sincerly,  
- Juria aka your personal Dr. Lecter

AZULA: Momo? What's a momo?

LIN: No idea.

AZULA: But it's adorable, whatever it is. Thank you. And about Mama, well, I basically said how I feel about this a few questions ago.

**Dear Azula... First of all I wanna say you're a freaking psycho and I'm glad things ended the way they did... erm... nevermind that. Anyway, did you ever have a boyfriend?**

Also please enjoy these "I rather dislike Kikyo" cookies...

Have fun in crazytown! And remember, rubber walls are fun!

**--Erai**

AZULA: Yeah, yeah, I'm a psycho. I hear it every day. But it's really NOT MY FAULT!! IT CAN'T BE!!

LIN: (medicates her)

AZULA: IT ISN'T FAIR…it…isn't…hmmm? What happened?

LIN: Never mind. Keep going.

AZULA: I see you gave me some Kikyo cookies…aw, what's wrong with Kikyo? She had killer fashion sense. And about the boyfriend…I never had one. Heck, I could barely maintain two same-gender friends. Remember "The Beach"? Remember how pathetic I was with Chan or whatever his name was? Forget about it.

**Dear Azula,**

Whatever happened to that sweet, adorable, little angel you used to be? You know, when you were at least 2 months old and you didn't have much to say or have those powerful blue flames to incinerate people!

Hope you hint at my sarcasm there!

-Red0p

AZULA: The sweet, adorable, little angel turned seven years old, realized that Santa Claus, God, and love does not exist. Kids lose faith in things that they never see.

LIN: Oh, come on now. (hugs her)

AZULA: Get off me.

**I give Azula an... Action Figure of Fire Lord Zuko! Yay!**

**--Kataang or Zutara**

AZULA: Hey, hey, remember what I did with all my other dolls? (Lights it on fire.)

**Dear Azula, I'm so sorry, if I can do anything tell me, but I need to say I told you, you was so bad... lol**

**--LeRosse**

AZULA: There **is** something you can do. Go to the royal palace and kick Zuko in the shins.

**Preminantly lost in thought gives Azula a teddy bear!**

AZULA: (squeezes it.)

TEDDY BEAR: (sings) Sharing is caring, it can be fun…!

AZULA: Holy s#&! (throws it across the room) That was a close one!

**Hi, Azula! Just a question from a fellow mental patient:**

Have you seen them? I see them all the time. People, people talking about us like we're not real, like we're some kind of fantasy world to them. At first I thought they patients here too, but no, there's too many of them, and they're all talking about things, and...wait...wait...OH GOD I'M ONE OF THEM I SEE EVERYTHING NOW IT'S ALL A LIE letter ends in a scribble

included with the letter is a large fruit basket, with lots and lots of cherries

AZULA: Calm down, Kyoko. It's not that bad. Have you taken your meds today? And thanks for the fruit.

LIN: I'd better go check on her.

**Ok. - gives a box of chocolates and a note. The note says: I hope that you will get better and find peace.  
I also have a question. Did you ever have a crush on someone?**

**--GlenWriter**

AZULA: Y'know, if I were to actually eat all the chocolate I've been getting, this would have to become "Ask Azula: Fat Camp Edition". And I DID have a slight crush on Chan from Ember Island. Back in my princess days I literally CRUSHED about 876 people, but I don't think you asked that…

**OOH! I'll sent Azula a gift. I'll send her a Pink Unicorn.**

**--chocochip and stikbuble**

UNICORN: Charlie…Charlie…go to Candy Mountain…

AZULA: Charlie?

**Dear Azula,**

I hope your feeling ok. After the whole freaking out in the finale. So whats it like knowing that the avatar beat your dad by taking his powers away instead of killing him?

AZULA: I'm a little peeved. I certainly would have killed the son of a phoenix…er, chicken.

LIN: There, there, let's think nice thoughts.

AZULA: I don't wanna.

LIN: Very well. Ready to say goodbye?

AZULA: Sure. **GOODBYE. **And please stop sending chocolate. Please?

UNICORN: Charlie…Charlie.

AZULA: You have no friends.


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Azula,

Inferiors! You've returned! And guess what? Mama Lin is giving me my own special room in which to answer letters; apparently I can be trusted now. Goes to show just how stupid these people are.

Let's open up the ol' stash….

**Dear Azula,  
Enclosed is a bell. If you ring it twice my 7-tailed wolf deamon Joy-chan. Shes has black fur purple eyes and is 12 feet tall. She will do anything you ask her to do except killing people, causeing distruction, and/or help you take over the world. Enjoy. My questions are what will you do if you get out and will you ever be on good terms with Zuko?  
Get well soon  
Ardnek-chan**

AZULA: Uh, wow. You know, the next chance I get I'll give this bell a try. I think I'll ask the wolf to make me a sandwich. Considering wolves don't have opposable thumbs, it should be interesting to watch. As for the "good terms with Zuko" question, I really just want to see him get kicked in the shins. Really bad. After that, maybe I'll consider being friendly to him. As for what my future plans are…did you know that I'm a pretty passable writer? No, really, stop laughing. I know where you live. I have the return address. Perhaps I'll get a nice secluded estate somewhere in the Southern Fire Nation, where I can write a memoir and a couple books on the art of lightening-bending. I think I could write pretty extensively on that subject.

**Dear Azula,  
So how's it going at the mental institution?  
So... I was originally going to give you  
a Toph-like doll, like when you were younger, but I forgot you...  
burned it to shreds... So, on with my question. Do you still  
hold a grudge against that water peasent. Who was it now...  
right, that Katara girl. I give you apples, hopefully it will keep the doctors away.**

-OctoberWind16

AZULA: This mental hospital… it's better than a stab in the kidney, I suppose. I mean, I get free meals! No work! And I'm definitely not rotting in a jail cell like my father. All positives. And when I have free time, I ponder about all the people I'd like to see at room temperature in a casket and receive gifts from strangers. Which brings me to your apples. Yummy and healthy. Crispy and refreshing. Make a satisfying crunching sound when they slam into someone's skull. You win the internet.

PS: As for Katara…have you ever heard of the practice of waterboarding? I've got a bit of a grudge.

PPS: Apples only keep doctors away if you've got a good sense of aim.

**Dear Azula:  
Wow, you seem a lot nicer now that you're in a mental hospital. (I don't like it.) Anyway, do you think Mai, Zuko, or Ty Lee will ever come to visit you (hint hint)? Oh, and will you ever try to break out of the institution (another hint-hint)? Anyway, enclosed are action-figures of Avatar's creators. Maybe you could take out some anger on them for having you go insane??  
Lots of love,  
Mairead Lee**

AZULA: Visit me? That's rich. Zuko's too busy kissing babies and making the world a better place from the comfort his well-furnished palace, Mai's most likely sitting about blanching her skeletal cheekbones with rice powder and being all-around overrated, and Ty Lee…please. She got what she wanted. A pretty new outfit with a matching fan, a new batch of friends, and a place of honor in a highly esteemed little gang. Why would any of them want to look upon somebody whom they only now recently deny any previous friendship or connection with? Rather than ask me, I'd like to see you ask them, "Weren't you her friend?",and you can watch their faces drop as they mumble some excuse and wistfully include, "If only we'd known the true depth of her evil."

As for breaking out…seems like a dumb thing to do. If you lived in a place where the meals were free, you never worked, and you received iPods and candy from random people, why the hell would you leave?

And thanks for the dolls. I'll go soak them in Listerine now.

**(here goes everything! sending a letter and a present from the A.Z. crew!)**

From the desk of Ask Zuko:

Hey 'zula! While there are 4 questions here, they are from two different people! Yours truely, Haru, and his mild-mannered fire-lordy-ness, Zuko!

Zuko: Hey sis...

Anyways, Just wanted to ask a few things and wish you well on your way to recovery! But first, I must say I actually like what you did to your bangs, straight-cut is too... Mai... blech...

Zuko: Definatly...

Anyways, here goes!

1: Which do you like more, Mint chocolate or Dark chocolate?  
and...  
2: Have you ever considered, even for a second, that the reason you failed relationships with boys, is because you're not INTO boys? Hey, different universe or not, it's an option.

Zuko: That's.. slightly disturbing... then again, so is that time I found Katara and Toph sleeping together with not- words are horribly scribbled over and stained with ink like someone was covering up from here on untill the questions

1: What would you do if I could get you in to see Father?  
and...  
2: Can I send you anything (besides chocolate) for your stay here? Maybe some sort of gaming-system from Haru's universe?

Alright! gift time! We hope you enjoy them!

From Haru: A collection of pressed FireLillies of different colors in a hard-cover journal for her personal use, scented like fire-lilles due to the flowers pressed inside.

From Zuko: Her old princess's hair piece, so she can feel at least slightly normal.

From the Crew: A large bouque of flowers and balloons that say things like "Azula forever!" and "Female Firelords Rock!"

Sincerely: Haru Takami, Firelord Zuko, and the Crew of Ask Zuko.

Ps. the crew wish to tell you that you're still beautiful no matter what anyone says, and they'd let you boss them around anyday... bunch of perverts...

AZULA: Ah, Haru, you're a true gentleman. As for you, Zuko, and your bogus publicity stunts…I say hmmph. You look completely gay in that outfit, unlike Haru. Despite his long hair, goofy facial hair, and sensitivity, he is a MAN. A man that doesn't look so gay. Like you. He could put a bow in his hair, for crying out loud, and I'd still….

But I digress.

MY ANSWERS TO YOUR QUESTIONS

Dark chocolate, 100. Dark chocolate is the ONLY chocolate I consume. But it can't be ANY Dark Chocolate. It's got to be so dark that it consumes and destroys light, even light barely seeping through the atmosphere from a distant galaxy.

So. Finally. Somebody brought up the sexuality question. It was only a matter of time. And I have even been pondering it myself. I've had the shittiest experiences with men, I must say, but nonetheless lie in bed fantasizing about the beautiful ones I encounter. I've only done this once about a woman whose name I don't know. All I remember is that she looked sort of like Mai, only I wouldn't be afraid of breaking her pelvis. And she had this huge (badger?) thing that she rode on with a long, long tongue. What a woman. You know something? Screw men. I'm a lesbian now. Oh, by the way, FILTHY PERVERTED FANFIC AUTHORS OF THE WORLD, UNITE AND START TYPING, HEIGH-HO SILVER!

If you could get me in to see Father (not recommended), I'd ask you to please order us a bucket of fried chicken. I may be losing my mind, but I'll be DAMNED if my wit isn't completely intact.

Oooh! I get to CHOOSE what I get? Then please, send me a photograph of Haru kicking Zuko in the shins. And I shall treasure it forever.

And just look at these gifts! You're alright, Haru. You're alllllright.

**Dear Azula: Sorry about the Kikyo cookies. So now I have enclosed some "I rather dislike the entire world" cookies. They have frosting on them!  
Here's my next question: don't you think Lin is, well... overdosing you on the meds a little? I mean, sheesh, by all rights you should be dead girl! Also sorry to hear about the whole lack of boyfriend thing, so in addition to the cookies, I have enclosed a talking Mr. Wonderful doll.  
As always, enjoy the rubber walls!**

**--Erai**

Thanks for the cookies. Vanilla? Yum. And with frosting? Nice. And the message on them? Timeless.

As for Lin and the meds…yeah, she's slightly needle-happy, but after last week's scream-gag-piss tantrum, I guess she has the right. And let's have a look at this doll….

DOLL: I'm Mr. Wonderful. I love listening to you talk. I love "The Notebook" too. We should watch it together while I feed you chocolates. Then we can make a scrapbook of all the cute moments we've had together, fill it up with every snowflake, dried flower, and goofy knick knack we've seen and look at it together until the sweetness and cootchy-cooness makes us vomit in each other's faces….

AZULA: Errrgh!! I think you accidentally sent me Mr. Gay. "The Notebook"? Pffft.

**Dear Azula,  
So, you're ready to resign yourself to a life in a mental health facility?!**

AZULA: If by "resigning myself to a life in a mental health facility" you mean lazing around, receiving goodies and gifts in exchange for ZERO work, spamming the hell out of Mai's mailbox, and getting my jollies by bamboozling the nurses, yes.

**Dear 'Zula,**

Yes, pillows are supposed to be fluffy and... and... comfy! Why do you NOT want chocolate? Is it because it's fattening and you'll turn into a fat lard? ... That was SO rude of me, but whatever... still... have fun in the psych ward!

Oh... also... here's a purple rubber duck, it squeaks if you squeeze it. It's amusing.

AZULA: Have fun in the pysch ward? Oh, don't worry. I am. Even without fattening chocolate. (squeaks duck.)

**Dear Princess Azula,  
Nice job naming the puppy Mai. I have recently started giving Edward Cullen therapy, enclosed with my gift is my number, call me if you need any help getting over your... um issue.  
Love,  
Jade  
P.S: I still adore you.  
Hands a box of doggie toys and food, as well as some muffins for you**

Well, I'll be damned. I haven't been a lesbian for even five minutes and I've already got these bitches giving me their number under the thinly-veiled excuse "I'm a THERAPIST."

Woah! Speaking of bitches, where's Mai-the-Dog? When's the last time I fed that little crap?

MAI THE DOG: Bark bark. (Translation: Two days ago, you swine!)

AZULA: If only the stupid animal could talk. Still, it follows commands better than Mai ever did. Thanks for the food, I'll give it to the dog.

MAI THE DOG: Bark bark. (Translation: I do sincerely thank you, Jade! Azula is a bitch.)

**Azula-  
Um... Uh... Sorry, I don't know what to say to a mental patient, 'cause... uh... you're like... mental. Anyways, so I can get a head start running away from you, I'll give you a Elmo toy! (Whatever you do, don't squeeze it...)  
-Uh... I don't feel comfurtable giving you my name... Uh... runs away**

Elmo? What's an Elmo? And why can't I…(squeezes it)…eh? Eh? EEH? What the deuce is it…? HOLY CRAP!

(The Elmo toy is laughing. And because it's that new, creepy as fuck version, it falls down and starts writhing.)

NYYAAAAH! What the hell kind of a gift is that?

**Dear Azula,**

Why Azula, why? I always thought you were the kind of person that would NEVER go insane over the power you have. Well, but I have assured my friends A LOT of times that you will escape the horrible place you're locked at. Oh, and why can't you bend your way out of the hospital? Is Min/Lin (whatever her name is) lightning proof? And if you ever get out of there, we could be a team! With your brains and my power we could take Zuzu down (or at least kick him where the sun doesn't shine). Together...WE COULD BE THE STRONGEST TEAM IN THE AVATAR WORLD! Oh, and you'll find enclosed a jar of peanut butter for you to eat with the turtleduck's Quackers.

Get well,  
The Princess of the Jet lovers, Julia.

Alright, I'm going to answer this WHY CAN'T YOU BREAK OUT question once and for all. I have on my wrists two special shackles that will redirect any lightening I generate back into me, but not enough that I can commit suicide, just enough so it hurts REALLY bad. Nothing in this mental joint is lightening-proof, but they…well…lightning-proofed ME.

And geez! What's with all the lesbians advancing on me today? Strongest team in the Avatar world my intoxicated rear end. I know what you REALLY want. And using the title "Princess of the Jet-lovers" as a cover. Please. And the peanut butter…

MAI THE DOG: Bark bark. (Translation: I love PB!!)

**Hey, Azula. I'm sorry about your sentencing within the jaws of insanity. I heard it was supposed to be a FUN place, but I guess all they tell you is lies.**

Hm... I've sent you a poster of Ozzy Osbourne, if ever you're in doubt if you're insane, or not, just say Ozzy.

Anyway, good luck!  
You're sadistic to the extreme, but you're awesome, nonetheless.  
Did you know Mama Lin used to be a man? Just wondering...

AZULA: I, as a matter of fact, did NOT know! I shall investigate immediately!

**To her perfect-ness,**

Aw! Hugs I am so sorry about what happened during Sozin's comet. ;-;  
If it makes you feel any better, I am here for you! Remember those noises you hear in the middle of the night? yeah.  
That's me.  
I just love you, Azula. C:

Sincerely, Your bride to be (Hopefully...)

P.S. I send you my love.

AZULA: Not another lesbian! I'm under attack! And how did you get into my room??

**To HRH Princess Azula of the Fire Nation, from the Big Rocky Eye of Sol Sanctum.**

I beg to inform Your Royal Highness that your answer to my previous question "How old do you weigh" was incorrect. The true answer, in fact, is the single word "Yes". Your answer, however, is a good one.

My two questions for your next mail-reading session are these:  
1. My mathematics is a bit spotty, so I wish your help. The indicator function for the rational numbers is not Riemann integrable, but is Lebesgue integrable (I believe). What is the integral of the indicator function on the interval 0,1?  
2. What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

For your trouble, please accept the enclosed present. After much difficulty, I found an item to keep you occupied during your moments of boredom (which are sure to be many, considering your circumstances). I am proud to present to you an instantiation of the Banach-Tarski paradox. It is a solid sphere consisting of a finite amount of pieces. It has this remarkable property: you can take it apart and reassemble the pieces into TWO exactly identical spheres, both of which are absolutely identical to the original sphere. Please enjoy it.

AZULA: Hahaha! I've become smarter since last time (could it be the drugs?), and so here are your answers!

4.76, 666

1.3 MPH

And these gifts are insane. Just look at this sphere-thing. It's…confusing…

**Hey Azula sory 'bout the bear. Enclosed is a Furbie to apologise.**

AZULA: A Furby? What in the name of all things dark and dismal is a Furby?

(She pokes it.)

FURBY: Nee nehhh ooooh meee ooof!

AZULA: The f—K?? Uh… (Buries it)

**Dear Azula,**

What would have happened after Zuko's coronation with the Avatar in his new monk robes? I swear that the Avatar in his new Air Nomad monk outfit is better looking. Do you think that the Air Nomads are going to be revived again?

Eternal Freedom

P.S.: I was planning a Naruto/Avatar crossover and I think that I would pair you with the blond haired boy Naruto.

AZULA: He's the LAST airbender, so while his children will inherit some airbending traits, they'll never be full-blooded. So no. And don't you DARE pair me with Naruto. I hate the way he's always screaming, "Believe it!"

**Dear Azula,  
Included in the package with this letter is a rock, shaped like a rock... Blame your father, he burned down the villiage by my crater! It's not like you can buy something from a place that's a mess of ash...**

Anyway, I wanted to ask: Why DID your father go and do something so terribly stupid like that? The world reborn in ashes... Dear Agni, even I'M not that mad for destruction as to eradicate the whole world.

Have fun with your rock, I'll try to find a decent store out here that isn't a scorch mark on the ground and get you something decent next time.

AZULA: The only real explanation I can venture is that crack is one hell of a drug. Combine that with the rush you get from unbridled power, and you're stupid enough to try anything.

And you know what? This rock is the best gift I've received all day. Perfect for throwing. Thanks.

**Dear Azula,  
Uhh.. your welcome and I'm a guy. Anyway, If you want anything else you can ask me and I'll get it. I also sent some a protable DVD player with AC adapter, and atleast 50 of the top favorited movies, also four of my favorites, the Crow and its sequles, Bruce Almighty, Transformers, and Batman Begins.**

AZULA: So basically, I've got a subscription to Netflix, only instead of being a multi-million dollar corporation, you're some kid who lives with his parents. Cool! In that case, send me the Godfather movies, heigh-ho silver!

**Dear Azula,**

I suppose you're right. And I can see you're getting better; I hope you'll be accepted back into average society when you leave.

TrueThinker

AZULA: I'm glad you see things my way.

**Dear Azula: I hope you're ok after all the insanity in the series and get out of there as soon as possible.  
After the difficult task of infiltrating the fire lord's palace and kicking Zuko down the stairs (may he and the water peasant rot in hell), I'd like to ask what would you do if you had a chance for revenge?  
Also, here's a small gift: a bracelet with a small, harmless piece of Sozin's comet, may it be useful.  
A friend from the forest.**

AZULA: Hey, thank you for the gift. And if I had a chance for revenge, I'd kick Zuko in the shins, force-feed the Avatar beef, leak pictures of Mai before she got hot over the net, and make Ty Lee gain 100 pounds. And then I'd take photos of the whole experience.

**Hey Azula, how's it going? I hope that you feel better. You really are the most awesome character in the show.  
Love you always,  
Chocochip.**

p.s. What do you think of your brother searching for Ursa?  
p.p.s. I sent you some mystery novels. You seem like the kind of girl who would love a good murder mystery.

AZULA: I AM feeling better, thank you. Now, onto the questions.

Zuko searching for Mom, eh? He and his stupid publicity stunts can kiss my butt. I'm pretty apathetic on this subject.

Why, I DO love a good murder mystery, although it's not usually a mystery, seeing as I'm the one usually causing the murders. But I will enjoy these!

**Dear Azula,**

Enclosed is a box of the finest Hawaiian Pineapple. I hope you are feeling better, and look forward to your release from Cuckoo Central!

Best Wishes!  
SapphireDesire

AZULA: Pineapple! Yesssss. One of my favorites. Thank you.

**AZULA: Alright!! You know the drill! I expect more letters, ASAP! Or I'll shoot you like a dog!**

**MAI THE DOG: Bark bark. (Translation: What??)**

**AZULA: Oh, shut up. **


End file.
